Your place, Systemic work

Imagine that your family system is situated on a series of plateaus on a mountain. The emotional and energy flow of that mountain moves from top to bottom, just like the water in a small river. You stand, in order of birth, on a plateau on the mountain below your parents, together with your brothers and sisters, miscarriages, aborted children, unacknowledged children, and so on. When people are excluded (consciously or unconsciously), you may well end up in that position because this has created an imbalance in the system, and you take that place in order to restore the balance.

Another common issue is that you take on too much responsibility for your parents when you experience and begin to carry their (unconscious) traumas, in the hope that this will make things better for them – and therefore for you too. You try very hard to do this, and you climb your way up the mountain. In this way, you can become the father or mother to your own parents. But it is an illusion to think that you can resolve your parents’ pain – or anyone else’s for that matter. Their pain is not lessened by this, and you are shouldering a responsibility that is not yours. The result is that you are no longer able to receive and can only give. Your parents will no longer be able to see you, and you’ll start to feel very lonely. When you return to your rightful place by giving that responsibility back (because you’re not in charge of your parents or others), you’ll experience a fulfilling life – with all that it brings and all that it costs.